QI’m a fourth year, and last week I hooked up with this paralegal. It was a total one-nighter kind of thing. And we also might have snorted a little something. Not to mention, I have a girlfriend who lives in another city. I’m freaking out that she might report me to firm management or tell other people in the firm what we did. What should I do?
AFirst thing to do is relax. (You’re not the first man in this position: I’m Sexing a Paralegal) When the time is right—i.e., today—hang out with your paralegal pal and casually let her know it was a one-and-done kind of thing. But be cool. Make her think it’s her decision. Let her think she’s blowing you off. Talk about how conflicted and depressed you are, that you hate your job, etc… Say things like, “I’m just in a really weird place right now” or “Now’s not a good time for me to be in a ‘complicated’ relationship.” Remember that word. Complicated. Keep using it.
As for the drug thing, just deny it. You never did coke with a paralegal. Got it? Never happened. Unless she has surveillance cameras in her bedroom, she can never prove it. So leave it at that. But lay off the blow nonetheless. Not a great rap for an attorney. Kind of lame. And very 1987. Being lonely and miserable is no excuse. Just ask Gordon Gecko himself; “If you need a friend, get a dog.”
I Did Coke and Slept with a Paralegal is a post from the BigLaw legal humor, video, and news site Bitter Lawyer